christina's journal

I managed another longish walk today. That’s most days for the past week and a bit. I’m feeling a bit fitter, might be losing a bit of weight too. It does take quite some time of course. Good thing I’ve stopped doing most other things.

Mostly what I’m doing now, apart from work. I think I’ll have to throw a lot of stuff out to make a proper job of it though. Nowhere to put things.

I could be in the process of a major lifestyle change. Not sure how it will pan out, but I’m spending a lot of time away from the computer and doing other things such as walking and housework. I needed to go to the supermarket this evening and went via corner of Nicholson and Victoria!! Just kept on walkin…

I do desperately need to get away from this machine, for the sake of my health and sanity. I need to stop trying to learn new stuff – that’s what takes all the time. If I just concentrate on what I can do fairly well already, photography and illustration, then I’ll spend a lot less time here and more elsewhere. The endless learning has got to stop.

My mood has definitely picked up from last week. I wonder if I’ll ever reach the point where my depression is over for good. I made significant inroads into cleaning up the house yesterday too. My bedroom has been a total mess for months. Piles of clothes on the floor (what’s dirty? what’s clean?) and bed unmade for weeks. I threw out some old clothes too, too small (or am I just too big?) or beyond repair (not that I ever repair anything).

For the past few days I’ve managed to do some significant walking. Wednesday I walked into the city to meet Lucy. Thursday I went for another long walk into the city. On Friday I walked over to Kew for my appointment with Philip. Yesterday I walked to Savers and back. I really want to lose weight. If I can keep up the walking it will help. The main issue is the amount of time I spend on the computer. If I can just get away from that for a while I can do some other things.

The housework continues…

This afternoon I tackled my study. Papers all over the floor, CDs and DVDs spread randomly, with empty cases here and there. Paid accounts to file, unpaid accounts to pay, etc. Now, mostly tidy. Lots of paper shredded. Some floor space available. Most DVDs cased and stacked. Still a couple missing.

I haven’t done anything constructive or creative this weekend though. That always makes me a bit anxious, wondering what I’m living for. Perhaps I’m not living for anything. Most people don’t seem to be. Just waiting for death.

I’d like to have a normal life. I’m sick of the angst, the constant striving, depression, bitterness, etc. etc. Today I’m making some effort at normality. Buying a couple of new clothes was a start. Since then I’ve been mostly doing housework. I’m sick of the place being a mess.

I’m weening myself off the online forums slowly. The race thread on istock has been pretty boring lately – lots about the world cup, then other stuff I’m not very interested in. Besides, hardly any of them check out my cage battles, and so far only one has even congratulated me on my win.

As for the cage I’m not sure if I’ll be back. I’m no longer interested in trying to solicit interest in my art there. I plan to stick with vector illustration for the foreseeable future.

Later…

Getting the place tidied up slowly. Feels strange. Mostly I spend my weekends working on something pretty well non-stop – Flash, 3D, painting assignments. When I get tired I play AOE or maybe watch a movie. Housework doesn’t get much of a look in usually. I’m sick of feeling so driven though.

I seem to be in a better mood today than I have for the past week. Guess the dementors have gone somewhere else. Still not being very productive, but I guess that comes next. I’ve been doing a bit of walking lately – it would be good if I can keep that up. Need to lose some weight.

Later…

I’ve managed a decent walk, up to Savers for some clothes. I bought some boots a couple of weeks ago and now need some clothes to wear with them. Hope I bought the right stuff. Meanwhile I’ve been rethinking my emotional state. I don’t think I’m actually feeling bad about the past. I think I’m experiencing now the feelings that I didn’t allow myself to experience then. So, feeling bad about what was the present. Subtle distinction. But how to deal, other than with denial that is. Difficult.

I’ve been really down for the past week, thinking about my very unhappy childhood and adolescence mostly. Such a waste of a life. Anyway, Philip is convinced that it’s mostly due to being the anniversary of dad’s death. He says it’s very common for an anniversary of a significant death to have a profound effect.

As for all the things I’ve been thinking about, he says a loss is likely to remind one of all the times one felt that way. A bit like a dementor I guess, dragging up all the most painful experiences from the past.

Here we go then. The feet are a bit funny, and it’s pretty rough, but it’s a start. I’m actually quite happy to have got this far. I can only get better.

Here’s the charming Meiko Kaji singing Urami Bushi, the theme from her Female Prisoner #701: Scorpion movies. A great singer and a great actress. It’s good that I found this video – helps me separate the actress from the characters she plays. Meiko is happy and smiling here. Neither Yuki nor Matsu ever smiled. Very intense, driven characters.

I’ve done nothing on my workshop material this past week. I’ve spent a lot of today still working on that Flash character. I’d so love to finish it and have something to start producing images with. I’m going for a turnaround and have probably done most of the work. I just don’t want to wait another week before I’ve got something to work with.